I am one of those who never knows the direction of my journey until I have almost arrived. - Anna Louise Strong

If you had asked me a year ago if I would ever be a trucker, I likely would have laughed and rolled my eyes. After all, it was quite known that I wasn't really comfortable driving. In fact I tended to not get any pleasure in it. It was something that needed to be done, not something I wanted to do.

Of course things have a way of changing, and in the Spring of 2005 things started to change. We started running into money problems, alot of it due to the fact that two vehicles needed in the shop within a month of each other. What little we had managed to start building up disappeared and we went into the hole. Karen was away for a good portion of the time, mainly because she was dealing with her mother. A trip to Japan, a trip to the Phillipines, having to spend time in Cheyenne catering to her mothers whims. It was difficult for her as well as the rest of us. Karen is the binding that holds us all together. BUt alas, it was not fated for her to come home and stay.

With money as tight as it was, Karen had to go to work. Her brother, Frank, was still working for C.R. England at the time and between him and her mother, trucking became a better and better choice and so off she went. SHe had her worries and troubles, but in the end she made it through and made it through her upgrade as well. However, she really didn't like the idea of being alone. So I spent a lot of time thinking about it, for she told me it is something I will have to want to do, not something to do because I feel I have to.

Amazingly enough, the more I thought about it, the more it sounded appealing and I to entered into C.R. Englands school. Unfortunately for me, I didn't do well at all on the practical tests. Even though during practice and just normal driving I held my own, as soon as there was an examiner there, I blanked out and forgot exactly what I needed to do. And so, my time at England was done.

"We should feel sorrow but not sink under its oppression." Confucious

I'm not sure what I would have done without my friends. Through the pain of failing, they bolstered me up and encouraged me not to quit, keeping me from forgetting how much I really want that CDL. Yes it hurt to have failed. Yes it hurt to be leaving my friends so suddenly, Yes I was feeling quite devestated and depressed. But I did not let that stop me. I'd taken a hard fall, but I was determined to get up again and keep on going.

It wasn't exactly easy going back home. Tensions were a little tight. The feeling of being a failure kept rearing up as I was poked at and lightly harrassed. I didn't mean to fail and things threatened to drag me down once more. However, once again my friends were there for me. Bolstering me up, they made me smile and renewed my determination to continue on. And so Swift was called and an application sent in.

How this will turn out, I know not just yet. For even as I write this, I am waiting for the recruiter to get back to me. But I am hopeful and eager to continue onwards. I can taste that CDL and by darned, I am going to have it.

My time at C.R. Enland was hectic, tiring, but a lot of fun. Karen had told me I needed to make friends, because I will need people who will spot for me while on the backing range. This wasn't very easy for me. I'm a reclusive person not exaclty by nature, but by experiances. By nature I guess I can be fairly outgoing, but that envolves trust, and I didn't trust very easily. It was easy to be pleasant to people, and that helped me out in getting to know others, and I would try and help when I could, but the biggest thing that allowed me to break down the barriers I myself had set up was to be a little silly and a little weird. So I started goofing around, playful flirting, innuendos and the like. I was able to start relaxing around everyone a lot more and made some really good friends.

Speedbump, otherwise known as Jessica, short, boyish and a lot of fun. Talk about a gregarious personality, she was wonderful, hilarious and not at all offensive. I think the funniest time was when we were in the pool at the Econo Lodge and I was asked how I swung. I didn't exactly answer straight out, but Jessica jumped right onto that and rightfully assumed that I can't be straight or I would have said that right out. So I had to be bi or a lesbian. So of course, being the dear that she is, she started hitting on me. It was certainly interesting, since I'd atually never been hit on by another lady that I didn't have any feelings like that towards. Course being the snot that I am, I'm always flattered when people hit on me, even if I tend to be a bit unnerved. At least she's honorable enough not to take advantage of a situation.

Sandra, a very dear person, very kind, loving and forgiving. I just wish her husband could appreciate her wonderful qualities and not abuse her as emotionally as he does. Still, she's full of strength which I think she finally started to realize, and I think it took a lot of effort on her part to actually want to try and work things out as opposed to leaving him. As much as he's hurt her, she still loves him, and well even if it makes me feel uncomfortable, it is her decision and I wish her the best of luck with it.

Kim, a wonderful lady and awfully amusing to watch her reactions when Jessica is acting up. She's so easily shocked, and I was terrible, I played upon that at times. I know, bad child. Sometimes I just can't help myself. She was a dear a though, she was one of the ones that came out to the bus depot to see Ben and myself off.

Butch, a great and wonderful person. He was wonderful at helping out so many of us. I don't think I would have gotten as far as I did without his help. Course he was quite a snot himself. I don't think I will ever forget the time he did an alley dock and nailed it while talking on his cell phone. He made it all look so easy. Course, so did the instructors, but he was one of us. Again, a great and wonderful mad and lets not forget the fact he treated me to a delicious steak dinner, Mmmm. Between him and Ron I don't think I could ever have a chance to actually talk myself into quitting at trying to get my CDL. Being reminded that I can do it, that I am smart and capable certainly bolstered my faith in myself. He too also came down to the bus depot to see us off. In fact he came straight down there after getting back, and that made me feel special, that he cared enough to do that. He gave me hope when it felt like all was lost. I feared he'd be disappointed in me, especially after all the effort he put in to help me. But upon seeing him, he didn't greet me with disappointment or condemnation, but instead greeted me with sympathy and open arms. I wasn't a failure, I was just someone who hit a bit of a snag and needed to get back up and try again. I wasn't incompetent, I just needed a little more practice.

Ron, another great and wonderful person. Though I must admit, the thing I'd noticed about him first was not him, but his shirt and jacket. A white dragon with a white tiger breaking through, the design for The White Dragons of Busido. Course upon learning that, I certainly wanted to here more about it. Martial Arts as always intriqued me, even though I only had a brief opportunity to actually learn karate. A month an a half. Not much time and I know I've likely forgotten more then I learned but there are some vague memories of some of the movements. Katas I think it was that I'm remembering, that and being asked to demonstrate falling for everyone else since I was the only one that managed to fall correctly and not hurt myself. Drama's a wonderful teacher. Talking with Ron or more correctly listening to him, as I tend to like to do, reminded me about the principles that I found attractive about martial arts. A way of living that was honest to others as well as oneself. It reminded me that being honest to ones self and ideals is very important in continuing on. When he came down to the bus depot, he had me laughing, even as upset as I was. They do say laughter is the best medicine, and it certainly eased the pain that was twisting my heart. He, along with Butch, reminded me about I wanted so much and that I could still manage to get it.

Steve, another wonderful man, and in so many ways he felt like an older brother to me and was an inspiration to me as well. Here was someone who had been through some hard trials, ones that made my own seem so little, and yet he was still trying to make something more out of his life. Pushing onwards to a greather goal, and working hard to achieve it. I am so pleased that he got his CDL, and that he scored such a high average in the classwork as well. He wwell and truly showed that if you want something bad enough, and if you work hard to get it, you will get it. I can only hope I can live up to such potential.

Ben, an interesting guy thats for sure. A pain in the butt, but he was decent and kind. I still do feel sorry that I actually stabbed him with my pencil, I didn't mean to actually connect and I still feel bad about it. I loved listening to him talk about his son. He sounds like such a sweetheart, made me miss my boy though, but that's okay I still liked hearing the stories. Unfortunatly, he failed on the same day I did with the road tests, though he got shafted worse than I did. England was more cold-hearted than I would have expected. And then to make matters worse his mother-in-law and wife were certainly not supportive of him. So instead of standing by him and helping him they kicked him while he was down. How I wish I could give them a peice of my mind, for their dishonest treatment of him.

Rick, a fun and wonderful guy and generous as well. I don't think I can express enough how much I appreciated the times he got me dinner. Sure England provided food but it was in the form of one meal ticket a day, and well putting in long hours one meal doesn't always work, and when you don't have any money to buy extra meals, you go hungry. I think too much with my stomach sometimes, I enjoy food and I don't like feeling hungry. And so getting and extra meal was pretty nice. When I started failing my road test he was there for me as well, and even lent me his ball to play with and destress with. Focusing on such a small thing as bouncing a ball certainly does wonders in blocking out failure. After the last failure, he let me keep it saying I needed it more than he did to destress.

So many friends I made there, so many people I got to know even if we never got real close. Doug and Amanda, Larry and Tracy, Don, Mike, Chris, John, Dennis, Angel, Brandon and so many others were in the class as well that I just didn't get to know. And lets not forget the instructors, course how can you forget some of them.

Jim, such a funny guy and without him I wouldn't have gotten such a high percentage I don't think. He covered everything and I had it all in my notes, it was my own idiocies that caused to me to miss some questions. Still, a 98.333% is nothing to sneeze at and I won't.

Steve, also known as grasshopper, he definately gave me some good insight on my blindside parrallel while I was backing in the dark. Made me realize, there doesn't have to be a lot of light to do it, as long as you keep your reference points in mind and know where they are.

Kevin, very interesting fella and bound and determined to keep me laughing or smiling as we're driving. I think he got a distinct pleasure in embarrassing me. It did end up helping after the time I had failed my second backing test. He kept poking at me until I did start to relax somewhat and smiled. I couldn't help it, I just had to smile and stick my tongue out at him. I didn't relax completely but a little of the anxiety did fade. I did end up passing my backing and I don't think I could have done it without his help. After I failed it the second time, he took me back and forth through the parts of the course until I was doing it. And even though I think I only squeaked by on the test, I did pass.

Do not attempt to do a thing unless you are sure of yourself; but do not relinquish it simply because someone else is not sure of you. - Stewart E. White

All in all, my time at England wasn't for naught. Sure, I didn't pass in there school, but I know I can do this, I believe I can do this. It's not my fault if England wants to be they way they are, but I will not let their decision make me quit. I will get my CDL, I will get my truck and I will succeed. I have the support of friends and family who believe in me, and I believe in myself. That's all I need. I shall have faith and persevere. Lay on Macduff, and damned be he who first cries "hold, enough".

©2005 Kryss